About Us

In 2015, fueled by alcohol, roommates and best friends Shafer Ward and Philipe AbiYouness (both C'17) fell for each other's charms and good looks and made sweet, hot, passionate love. It was hot. Legs and arms everywhere. Whipped cream, all over the room. A full video crew documenting the whole carnal act (that video is stored in the Library of Congress, call number 2015723843). 

Weeks later, Shafer was made aware of a startling development by Philipe: that Philipe had been impregnated. Mixed with fear and excitement, the two grew ready for parenthood. They baby-proofed their room in McLendon Hall. They read books and did their research. Summer came, and though they were separated, the baby continued to develop in Philipe's prostate and distance grew the two future parents together. 

At the beginning of their Junior year, Philipe's water broke. Much excitement! They rushed to Morristown Memorial and Shafer held Philipe's hand the whole way as he pushed the baby out of his penis hole. At one point Shafer fainted because he's a weak friend. But Shafer woke up just in time to see the crowning child emerge from the depths of Philipe's massive rod. After 30 hours of arduous labor, the doctor finally delivered the miracle that was their child. As the doctor handed mother and father their child to be named and held as the start of a new family, Shafer and Philipe looked on their child in shock. They had given birth to... a football. They knew what they had to do. They started the Drew University Football Team (named to the dismay of everyone who approved us) and brought on nine parents from a large pool of applicants to carry on the legacy.